Season's Greetings to Everyone!!

It's that time of year again - the time for everyone to worry about how they are going to pay their bills and afford christmas presents for everyone they know. It is the time of year when I really think about everyone..........my family, my friends, the men and women of the armed forces serving our country, the loved ones who have passed on, those more fortunate than myself and of course, with a heavy heart, those less fortunate than myself. It is at this time of year that I really think about all I have and all I have been given. It's not that I don't think about these things all year, just that at this time of year, when people are consumed with giving, it really comes to the forfront of my mind. I am reminded of everyone who has given something to me, most of which I take for granted and I don't think I am alone in this. Maybe this is the time of year that we should all reflect on ourselves, be grateful for what we have and thank those who are responsible for it.

First, let me start with my family - You are all so wonderful - thank you for always being there for me, no matter what. Without fail, you are there when I need you, be it happy times or times of sadness you are right there to lean on and show support. You all have no idea what that means to me. Because I don't say it as often as I should, THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU.

Secondly, my friends - I have so many friends. I am so fortunate to have each and every one of you in my life. I love you all more than words can say.

Next, it goes without saying, I am very grateful to the men and women of our armed forces fighting for our country domestically or abroad. One soldier, who I care for in particular, is on my mind daily. Be safe out there and know that you are loved and appreciated.

I would say that for the most part in thinking of those who have passed on, I am very selfish. I want them here, with us, celebrating the holidays, family and friends. I have to believe that their beautiful souls are in a better place but my heart still holds the empty space that they once filled.

To those of you more fortunate than myself - I pray you use your wealth, power and influence in a positive manner - to further prosperity and to assist in assuring safety and security for all mankind.

Last but certainly not least, to those of you less fortunate than myself. I CARE, I am here for anyone who needs a helping hand. I pledge that if I cannot help, I will do my best to find someone who can. I spend my life dealing with people who have made less than honorable decisions in their lives and I believe that everyone can change if they have the desire. I care more than anyone knows. I pray that anyone who needs a helping hand gets it, that anyone who needs a morsel of food is fed, that anyone who needs shelter finds it and to anyone who feels that they are at the end of their rope, tie a knot and HANG ON. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it's hard to know how long the tunnel is or how many twists and turns there will be along the way.

I will close this post by saying thank you to all of those who have stood by my side through the good, the bad and the ugly. You know who you are and I hope you know how very much I appreciate all you do for me. Take care this holiday season - Merry Christmas and may your new year be filled with all you wish for.

Dedicated to AMERICA'S HEROES

AND GONE AGAIN...

Okay - so this is just a little follow up to the previous post, but hang in there folks.....I'll have something else soon.

Travis is off to Fort Lewis Washington, at least until next August when he is supposed to be deployed to Iraq. My prayers are that he not have to go, that no else has to go and the remaining heroes all come home safe and sound real soon. I put him on the plane Tuesday morning and cried like a baby. It's quite strange really, not having given birth to this boy, but still feeling like the mom. He calls me the "A Mom". (I did confirm that is a good thing!) Anyway, he has called or sent text messages every day and seems to be getting along just fine. He did say that he was freezing parts off of his body however. We had this discussion that it would be colder there than it is here in Idaho because of the humidity, but he didn't believe me and left some of his warmer clothes here (along with his hanging clothes bag that contains his Class A uniforms - couldn't get them on the plane without paying another $75.00 - he had too many bags). I miss him being around the house and one of my dogs is completely lost without him. He was her buddy. She keeps wandering around the house looking for him and curls up with the blanket that he slept with while he was here. It was nice having him here and seeing what a "man" he has become.

I know that this war is a controversial subject and I don't even want to go there......each person is entitled to their own opinion and can scream it at the top of their lungs if they wish and whether it is pro or against the efforts - the irony is they owe that freedom to those who have served, continue to serve and will serve in the future.

My heart and soul goes out to all of those serving this country. YOU are ALL my HEROES!! Of course I pray every day for their safety and the safety of those at home waiting for them to come home. I miss my "son" - he is in my thoughts each and every day and we all look forward to his return.

Be safe out there son and know that your "family" here loves you and prays for you daily. Come home soon!!

He's finally home

Just got back yesterday from picking up my "adopted" son from the airport in Salt Lake City. He has spent the last 4 months and 10 days completing his basic training and AIT School for the UNITED STATES ARMY. I didn't think we were ever going to get him here. Literally.

What a rollercoaster ride it's been. He hasn't had the best life and wasn't given a fair hand to start out his young impressionable life. He, like many other young people, didn't have any kind of positive guidance growing up. So began the troubled years of becoming a teenager without supervision. Of course that lead to trouble and although many people tried to help along the way, it didn't seem to matter. The damage had been done. At some point though, all things come to an end.....notice I didn't say all "good" things come to an end.

This young man reached the bottom after having too good of a time, one too many times and getting caught. The judge whom I work for is a fair and compassionate judge, but he too has his limits. He placed the young man behind bars and gave him the choice to sit it out or change his life for the positive. You can imagine the decision was not an easy one for this troubled young man, but he did ultimately choose to change his life. I introduced him to a recruiter friend of mine from Pocatello. With the judge's approval, he joined the Army and was shipped out as soon as we could process the paperwork.

The day I dropped him off at the recruiter's office to leave for basic training was one of the worst days and best days of my life. I had taken this young man into my heart as one of my own. He didn't have the support system that other's have when making such a huge step and major decision in his life. I have known this young man for most of his life and know the background very well. He deserved better. I had such a feeling of uneasiness because of the continuing war in Iraq and being worried about what could happen to him, should he be sent over there. I was also very proud of him and felt like "my son" would make it NO MATTER WHAT. I don't know if he shared my optimism at the time, but he soon found out that he was more than capable of doing what was expected of him.

He was a squad leader in basic and in AIT. Yes, you heard me right, a LEADER. I wrote to him on average of once a week while he was in basic training and enjoyed getting the letters from him. I could tell he was growing up and becoming the responsible young man that I knew he was capable of. Although I thought that the first letter from him would be cussing me for encouraging him to do this, it wasn't, in fact at some point he even agreed that he made the right decision for his future. Once he reached AIT, he had access to his cell phone and we were able to talk in person more than write letters. His days of having to write a letter were over......("thank god" were the words he used!) As the time passed by and I knew it was coming closer to the day when he would be able to come home for leave, prior to reporting to his home base, I wondered if he would want to return to "home" as he always knew it or would he just go straight to his first assignment? To my delight, he chose to come HOME.

He is here for about 10 days and we are really happy to have him here. I had to beg him to wear his uniform in to my office today, but he did it for me and he looked great! There were a lot of people looking forward to seeing him. I don't look forward to saying goodbye again, but know that it has to happen. My greatest hope, wish and prayer is that it will not be the last time I see him. ("Please god, keep him safe and bless all the other troops who fight to keep us free!") God Bless Our Troops!!

And as they say........the rest is history. He's finally home!

The BLAH's (or was that blues??)

Lately I have felt rather blah......not really sure why......maybe it's the change in seasons, since I am a very fair weather kinda gal, and I am NOT looking forward to winter and the friggin' snow. Maybe it's Chanelle turning 18 and knowing I have to let her go. Maybe its that Dakota, my 13 year old stepson (who I love like my own), is struggling in school right now and I am too stupid to help with the DAMN algebra he has. At any rate, I have no idea as to why I have the blah's but I DO and THEY SUCK!!!

To add to this blah situation, I work in a place that for the most part doesn't help in the area of cheering people up, that is unless the gavel (in the courtroom) swings their way. Now most of the time, it really doesn't matter to me which way the gavel swings, but there are times when it is just down right unjust. I have to do my job no matter what, but it is easier when I agree with the sentencing and feel that fairness was considered. I will say that for the most part, our Judge sentences people appropriately and I only disagree about a quarter of the time.

I can't really go into anything in great detail (names and such) as these are real people and real situations (confidentiality issues...you undertand), but sometimes the punishments just don't fit the crime. The Judge I work with most is a wonderful man. He has a bigger heart than any Judge I have ever known. He cares about people so much that he put a homeless man in our drug court. (That was a little tricky there, considering he had to have an address and phone to be eligible to participate to begin with.) But, as the Judge said, we worked it out and now that man is doing remarkably well. It will be a while before he is completely back on his feet, but he has a job, a place to live, a cell phone and some money in his pocket. I tell you, when the Judge sentenced him, I thought he had lost his friggin' mind (the Judge I mean). I thought the cheese had done slipped off the cracker there. The story goes something like this....the homeless man got a DUI (Driving under the influence) while traveling through our town on his way to court in another jurisdiction (for the same offense I believe). His truck was towed (and later re-possessed) due to the amount of incarceration he had to serve. He was released from our jail into the hands of the jurisdiction he was on his way to, with the promise he made to our Judge that he would return to our county and apply for our Drug Court. My Judge had to talk (email) a lot to convince the Judges in the other jurisdiction that he would take this gentleman back and put him in our drug court and make a normal ordinary responsible person (NORP - a term the drug court uses - would be the opposite of slick or slug - we'll save that for another blog) out of him. One of the Judges that he emailed actually laughed in his return email, one Judge refused to believe that this gentleman could be helped and then finally a Judge decided to give the guy a shot, once he completed a certain period of incarceration time. I honestly didn't think I would ever hear from the homeless man again. But, much to my surprise, I got a call from the guy the day after he was released from the other jurisdiction. We bought him a bus ticket from there to here and he has been a productive member of our drug court since. I guess there is a lesson to be learned there....never second guess the Judge. He truly is the wizard (also for another blog).

I know the Judge's wisdom far exceeds mine and I really try hard not to second guess or arm-chair quarterback him or any other Judge for that matter. I don't have the coldest heart in the county like most people may believe. I think, for the most part, I truly care about people, or I wouldn't do what I do. I see justice served most days and I am very grateful to live where I do. There aren't many crimes that would make a person's blood boil around here and that's a good thing because for those really horrific crimes my idea of the punishment is no longer acceptable, but you know there are times when I wish I could hear a sentencing go something like it did many years ago.......

The following is a verbatim transcript of a sentence imposed upon a defendant convicted of murder in the Federal District Court of the Territory of New Mexico by a United States Judge sitting in Taos in an adobe stable used as a temporary courtroom.

"Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be spring. The snows of winter will flee away, the ice will vanish and the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, the annual miracle of the year's awakening will come to pass-----but you won't be here.

The rivulet will run its purring course to the sea, the timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots, the glorious valleys of the imperial domain will blossom as the rose; still you won't be here to see.

From every treetop some wild woods songster will carol his mating song, butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee will hum happily as it pursues its accustomed vocation, the gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, will be glad but you. You won't be here to enjoy it because I command the sheriff or some other officer or officers of this county to lead you out to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a nodding bough of some sturdy oak and let you hang until you are dead.

And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, I further command that such officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that the vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body, until nothing shall remain but the bare, bleached bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty, throat-cutting, chili-eating, sheepherding, murdering........."

(disclosure - I AM NOT A PREJUDICE PERSON, my last name (for those of you who know me) should explain enough, but this sentencing was awesome and would still have remained so in my mind if imposed on a "WHITE" person.)

Well....that definately clears the web...............

This is my life.....

Well, it happened....as much as I dreaded it....as much as I wished the day would never come......it happened anyway. My baby girl, my only baby girl......my little, tiny.....well you get the picture...SHE TURNED 18 !!!!!

I am having a harder time with her turning 18, than when I turned 40 (god that looks bad, maybe I should have spelled out that number!!) At any rate, I guess I never thought that the day would come when I would want time to stop and be able to turn back the clock. Hell, most days I can't wait for the hands to run around the clock. I really didn't even care about turning back the clock knowing I was turning forty (yea... looks much better spelled out!!). BUT this is a totally different story.

She truly has been a light at the end of every tunnel I have found myself crawling through for the last 18 years of my life anyway. I remember what a wonderful baby she was (after she finally decided to grace us with her presence that is!!). I remember how happy she was in the mornings - and for the most part she still is a pretty happy person in the mornings. I have always gone into her room in the morning with my usual "good morning baby girl" and she still gets the same smile on her face now that she did when she was a baby. She doesn't know it, but most days that is what makes my day great from the start. Who needs folgers, I have her. I am really struggling with this senior year, turning 18, preparing for college, etc. etc. etc. I am just not ready for her to be an adult and move on with her life. I know, what a selfish mother I am huh? Don't get me wrong here, I will never hold her back, and I wish her the very best (obviously) that life has to offer out there, but I don't want her to do it without me. It's not that I don't think she can - just that I want to be a part of everything she does. I have always tried to be her friend and for the most part I know we are - but I am a mother first and a friend second and that at times is difficult for her. She knows what I tolerate and what I absolutely detest and thankfully has never really pushed the envelope with me (knocking on wood here...) She has made some wrong decisions at times, but has fully fessed up and we have dealt with them and both learned from them. She has also made some very mature decisions, so I know she can go out into that big, bad, scary, adult world with a good head on her shoulders and make the world her own. The problem I am having is that little voice inside my head keeps telling me that she is still a baby and needs to be protected all the time. Can I let go, so she can grow??? (oh my.......I need to stop this - that sounded really corny) Any advice???????

That clears the web for now..........

It's NEW to me!!

So this is my first shot at something that I hope will be a stress relief and a way to express my opinions (right, wrong or indifferent) to others and get some feedback that could potentially broaden my horizons and maybe open my cynical mind a bit!!

My niece has been after me for some time to start this blog and assures me that it will help with my over-taxed mind and anxiety level.

I am, as stated in my profile, an adult misdemeanor probation officer and my main job is as the Drug Court Coordinator. I took over the coordinator position last August (2006) and it has been a struggle, but for the most part pretty rewarding to assist others in changing their lives.

I turned the "F" word (40) this year and so goes the struggles of the dreaded "middle age" that I was definitely dreading and am still hating the idea of. It took me the entire decade from 30 to 40 to accept that I was no longer 20 something - so I have decided that this last birthday was the last one that I will ever "Celebrate". I know turning 40 is better than the alternative and I am certainly not wanting my life to be over, but I cannot even begin to comprehend the idea of becoming 50 anything!!!

Most of my blogs will no doubt be nothing more than babbling about what ever may be on my feeble mind at the time, but hopefully will be entertaining at times to those that choose to read and leave comments.

Some may be wondering why I chose to title my blog site "Blackwidow's Web" - well - it's like this. My nickname for many years now has been "The Blackwidow" and was coined by my ex-husband. His last name being Black and our divorce was somewhat less than civil - so he starting calling me The Blackwidow - to everyone that would listen. Now, I find this a bit ironic since we all know what happens to the blackwidow's male counterpart once she has had enough of him. I have proudly carried the moniker since that time and pretty much everyone who knows me, knows me as "The Blackwidow". Hence the Blackwidow's Web signifies my own mind.

Okay - ya'll - that's it for now. Gotta wait for the web to fill with new morsals to write about!! Will post again soon - Please feel free to comment and give me ideas to blog about!!! Till then...................